vernon god little

discipline fail. on monday when i started my new book by DBC Pierre, Vernon God Little, I told myself that I will keep reading to 3 chapters per day, so as to not finish up my books too fast. by the end of the day, i extended the rule to 5 chapters. on tuesday i finished half the book. yesterday i lapped the final pages up.also, i borrowed four new library books. i insist its not my fault because i was one hour early for a meeting at bugis and the national library was too tempting. HAHA.

Vernon God Little. For such a vulgar and explicit book, i totally love it! it may even rank in my top three novels of all time. the voice Pierre created is sooo real and consistent, it is like Vernon Gregory Little indeed exists and wrote the book himself. i absolutely loved it. it is exciting and contemporary and really funny, definitely a Huck Finn of our times. Vernon God Little even exceeds the expectations Huck Finn promised, standards that the classic failed to fulfil for me personally. yes, if there is one singular reason for the novel’s success, it is Vern the narrator himself. Pierre plays on many stereotypes, with skill and purpose, often for comic effect. and i think that is why characters are instantly identifiable and therefore relatable.

that being said, like what Connor said about Huck Finn’s ending, i felt it was the only disappointment with Vernon God Little. it got too Brave New World by the end. so drama, so extreme. and for me, it took away the realistic element. even though its definitely credible, not like there are actually aliens living among us out-of-this-world. Another thing, should vernon have died? I dont know, i did think that was where things would naturally head towards. and perhaps it would make some issues more poignant as well. then again there were other stuff to be learnt from his not dying. i think perhaps the weight of the message to be sent in the ending dragged the plot down. that it would not simply be a story of a boy conflicted with adventure, his innocence and his burgeoning soul.

haha love love love the family sekret which actually remains unsaid explicitly. allows the reader space to add to the plot. the secret adds a great deal of depth to the whole plot, and vernon and mama’s character. and i think Pierre must be sooo extremely clever to think of this. how subtle yet crucial! it never crossed my mine at all, the secret of his father’s gun. i didnt really think much of this novel, of its Texas-ness and BBQ sauce. but im really glad i bought bought this book, cos its definitely a keeper.

another awesome awesome thing today was that i got off army! watched The Blind Side and lazed around with cao and finally had our altering date and met jeremy for dinner and catching up. everyday should be an off day. next up, The In-Between World of Vikram Lall by M.G Vassanji.

the thing around your neck

when was the last time i had time as putty in my palm but not know what to make out of it? this morning the clock within me screamed and i had the luxury to smother it and force slumber to visit once again. and after tying up all the loose ends now, i end aimless. i don’t really want to watch tv, not because of the recent report which probably means i’ll die much much earlier. i dont think there is anything nice on anyway. and it is periods like now, before time puts me back on a leash, that i remember to write.

Since the start of the year, i have finished Coetzee’s Summertime and Adichie’s The Thing Around Your Neck. Coetzee had some wonderful stuff in a refreshing form that I did not find totally realistic. The premise was interesting, but it probably caused the problem of repetition to be inevitable. I embarked on The Thing Around Your Neck with great hopes and excitement, because of the author (and well the awesome – albeit a little feminine – cover too, that did make me a tad embarrassed to flourish it). i was really disappointed with the first story, the following stories were alright but forgettable. but the compilation of short stories took a 180 degree turn in the second half which affirmed my want to purhcase this book a long way back. i absolutely enjoyed the stories, especially “The Thing Around Your Neck”, “The American Embassy” and “Tomorrow Is Too Far”. I saw the balance of tradition and the modern – broadly represented by Africa and America – in the characters and setting. I find this relevant and distinct about Adichie’s position as an author. the next book in line is DBC Pierre’s Vernon God Little.

Few days back i got my offer from Cambridge, Magdalene College. my parents had left the white envelope on the dining table, waiting eagerly on the sofa for me to get home after worship practice, eyes on the television, hearts in the next room on the table. so cute and sweet haha. i think it was the happiness of my parents, my family, that made me happy as well. but truly, i think i was relieved. before, i was awfully sad as i slowly tore the flap open because i thought that if i was accepted, they would have sent me an email prior. my heart sighed with relief because the future is no longer a big question mark. and its not because i view it as the only thing that makes life worthwhile. i think i really need this because i cannot go through the remaining year of army worrying, i need a direction that motivates me towards 27 Jan 2011, no matter that it might feel like an eternity away.

i think this year’s round of application has been different for me. last year i relied alot on myself, i tried to control every factor. and it worked, i got into Cambridge with a relatively easy test and smooth interview. but alas they could not defer 2 years for me so i had to reapply this year. this year the test wasn’t as easy, the interview was not smooth at all, as i must have dramatized to my friends. there was so much more things out of my control. but about applying to princeton and yale too. i think i really tried to constantly remind myself to trust in God’s plan. and i think its amazing how the end might be the same, but the attitude and motivation can be crucial as well. i’m still waiting for my US replies in march/april, and we’ll see where i’m headed.

“The thing that wrapped itself around your neck, that nearly choked you before you fell asleep, started to loosen, to let go.” I’ve been so tired lately, especially the past week, that I literally fall asleep once i press my face into the soft pillow. But without the lucid moments before sleep, I no longer dream, I no longer think.

2010

let it be said that i am glad 2009 is over and i cannot wait for 2010 to end.

do i then start this new year with great pessimism? not quite, yet it must not be deluded as optimism either. 2009 was a whirl, a mixmash of memories i don’t bother to remember. there are some moments in your life when you know that this is it and if anything, one year of army has shown me the other message: this is not it. and perhaps it is as useful.

2009 was a year full of changes and absence. people leaving for education overseas. we get a taste of life not from the perspective of a student, but as a young adult. it feels strange to be on a path different from the rest, to not be part of a leadership school, without people of similar frequencies, physical torture, but ultimately also missing on the sweet satisfaction of accomplishment and finding friends for life. i know that differences are only going to grow just as we all grow. so how do we stay afloat this current of change. how can we?

yet if the first few moments of 2010 are anything to go by, then perhaps there might be a reason to all this. in all sense of the word this. that there will be friends and family around me. that the only way to stay afloat is to hold on to each other. so that we can look and listen carefully, to understand things we may otherwise miss out. and so i know that 2010 will be a year of love.

to love others. to love myself. to love God.

i cannot decide which is most difficult. it is only now that im thinking perhaps this can summarise my new year resolutions. because it is too difficult. is that how you make resolutions? the things you want but cannot achieve? but how else can i go through the likewise, if not more, difficult new life that has been thrown upon us. perhaps it takes a difficult to win another difficult.

¹³And now these three remain: faith, hope and love. But the greatest of these is love.

sometimes i want to save the world. and i am learning it does not just mean places like africa or cambodia.

siem reap

i struggle to find a best title, or phrase for this entry. its amazing that such a lazy trip will have so many highlights. i decided to name this simply as “siem reap”, because this portion of cambodia has become such a part of this group and me over the past three years. the place has definitely gone through several changes, like new eateries springing up, less dust, thankfully. but it remains pretty much the same idyllic and untainted world as we know it from 2007. and perhaps it is this constant, this comfort, that we cannot help but turn to as a getaway when there is so much that is changing right now, in the other world we call reality.

the thing about having something to say, such as recounting my holiday, is that there is a deadline to it. once you are past it, there is a certain magic lacking in how you say it, and what you remember, and you laugh at a memory, not about an incident that really happened to you in flesh and blood. is there a difference? so i am forcing myself to come by my wordpress account to regurgitate before the love is digested. but we know that that too has its countereffects.

so its the first time im leaving overseas with just three other dudes of the same age, aka friends lol. and my father drops me off at 6.15 in the morning and i am all alone because i am the earliest. its a strange but exhilariting feeling. so goes the first word on loop for the trip, “adult-y”. evidently the other three refuse to appreciate my feelings. idiots.

the air is dusty, there is no traffic order, we pass by a cow on the way to the airport. and i feel really happy because i am looking at buildings i recognize and recognizing those that i dont. it is so different from singapore, but i dont feel it. we know when we turn into the hotel, because we’ve been there before. and this familiarity was never a hindrance, there was always something new to explore, something new to eat, and even if there wasn’t, we could love the old with a new love again.

cao and i wake up at 8am, because we are on a mission. the two sloths are still sleeping. they probably will not wake till we return. siem reap is not just a haven to debauch on food and drinks, our initial objective in 2007 was to visit the sunrise children orphanage. how much the children mean to me i dont know how to say, it is as if i exhausted it all in the past two years and theres no point really repeating it for another million times. things change though. and for this year we were only allowed an average of 1 hour per day, excluding sunday because the orphanage is closed entirely. sad, but what can we do? soun and sorn are still around, but samnang and sambat are gone, to another centre. what does that mean? soun and sorn are much older and taller now. how do i let them know that they still mean alot to me but i cannot throw them around or hug them like the little ones anymore. they still remember me, and are really happy to see me. i just want them to do well in school and get the best they deserve in the future.

food was awesome and gluttony was our sin. we tried to go for the international delicacy hunt by trying different types of cuisines for every meal. we had mexican, italian, khmer, german, swiss and pseudo-japanese (thanks cao), which turned out awesomes cos we had 50% off the already fantas prices. another word on loop was ass-o-peaaahh, our SOP to take a picture of all the food before we actually eat them. though sometimes we think with our bellies and forget.

the itinerary for the day would be filled with pool time mostly, because we would laze around at the rooftop swimming pool listening to music, reading books, being retarded and reminiscing on the past. days of more laughter. it is amazing that so much time can pass just doing these things and there was never a boring moment. never. there was always something to talk about, something to laugh at, someone to laugh at rather. i finished lord of the flies finally, even though hadi spoiled the part where piggy dies (when i was on the exact page but haven’t got to that part yet) and cao spoiled the part where they are rescued (when i was on the last chapter itself), which is pretty much the gist of the entire thing. hoho. but true that, it was pretty expected anyway.

i can’t wait to see the photos. when four of us were walking down the corridor towards the lift, i see four different people, if just from their dressing, their gait. through the trip we had jokes about all four of ourselves and its still something i marvel at. how people can be different yet same all at once. the trip will never have been so awesome without any of the other three personalities on board. and i simply lubbs to have had them share such a sexay time with me. truly great times.

i felt like whining and stamping my feet when the plane touched down on singaporean hot soil. actually, i did hahahaha. but what can i do, when there is just this insurmountable negative energy that engulfs, for no rhyme or reason. it is not a thought, but it is not a feeling either. it is reality coming back to you, as the air is fresher in the form of air conditioning, the roads are paved, and you walk out from a smooth customs to see the faces of your awaiting parents. you almost wish there was no one to receive you. you dont know what you feel. there is relief to once again see the familiar but yet a resentment of what the familiar brings along. in this limbo of push and pull, you feel nothing. you know that the holiday is officially over. i look to the other three faces and announce this fact, or feeling. but i dont know what is going through their heads.

today i woke up to a life i tried to run away from. though the familiar softness of my pillow was a comfort.

langkawi

” When God had made The Man, he made him out of stuff that sung all the time and glittered all over. Then after that some angels got jealous and chopped him into millions of pieces, but still he glittered and hummed. So they beat him down to nothing but sparks but each little spark had a shine and a song. So they covered each one over with mud. And the lonesomeness in the sparks make them hunt for one another, but the mud is deaf and dumb. Like all the other tumbling mud-balls, Janie had tried to show her shine”  ~ p120 Their Eyes Were watching God by Zora Neale Hurston

Probably unheard to many, Zora Neale Hurston is in fact regarded as the literary foremother of many established black women novelists like Maya Angelou, Alice Walker and Zadie Smith. This novel should therefore not be read among the ranks of novels as we know them now. I like how Smith’s introduction describes the novel to hold “widsom lightly worn”. Very simple, the art of story telling is seen here, sprinkled with a dash of humour. You’ll have to look out to catch the quotes that Smith is probably referring to. The quote i’m sharing speaks of our innate desires, our ideals and dreams and the social nature of Man all packed lyrical in a context similarly universal, of existence and religion, the very beginning. why are we the way we are.

Just came back from Langkawi yesterday. It is truly great to be able to have a short getaway, especially after nearly a year of army. And nothing beats some good family time. So I had a great time during this holiday. It was wayy too short though. We hardly spent time at the beach though, but in the time that we did, the weather was perfect. It was truly a blessing because it would only rain everytime we were already indoors. The food, mainly seafood, was totally awesome and very affordable. We ate like tubs of rice and loads of dishes with hot chinese tea for every meal! Shopping was totally awesome too because not only is the feeling of dividing by 2.4 satisfying, the further discounts in the stores were just crazy! In total my family bought 7 pairs of shoes haha! but to be fair, my family never buys anything except on holidays, which is considerably rare to say the least. with the exception of my elder sister though heehee.

i saw my ideal pair of shoes and loafers in this department stall of Polo brand!!! like seriouslyyy omggg. after spending a million months searching for them in singapore to find them in the same spot and brand. so convenient! but the shoes were RM298 and the loafers RM188. doink. totally expensive even in singaporean terms. when i mentioned the 7 pair of shoes, do not be mistaken. it includes a pair of sneakers less than 20 dollars and slippers around 10! xiaohui bought a bagpack for only 10 plus. of course our very last buy was when i convinced my mum to buy a wonderful pair of rubber platforms with leather straps, those suitable for her age. as if that was not sexy enough, it was only RM30! Though after a total miscommunication, we realised that daddy paid RM130 for it and all three pairs of eyes (mine, mummy and xiaohui) had missed out the digit 1 in the price tag. I have never seen mummy whine and tsk in such a way ever hahaha. the three of us had a great time teasing her about wasting money all the way back to the hotel.

back to my story. i did in fact eventually purchase a pair of loafers, but not my dream pair. I got one out from the discount pile that had a 40% cut. o-m-g. see what i told you about their crazy cuts. there were even some on 70% discounts! anyway, the one i got is decent i guess, good leather of the same brand. 47 dollars is rather reasonable i would say. i had to give up on the wonderful pair of shoes. SOBS. it came in five totally sexy colours which i all love. i would not have been able to choose heehee.

it is such a booboo to return back to army after a holiday. i can’t wait for the upcoming trip to siem reap. hot.

october of stress

it was immense. the trepidation of an entire month ahead of you. but not just any other month. a month that will possibly change the entire course of my future heehee. well okay thats just being overly dramatic. but suffice to say, the october that just passed has been tiring and stressful shit.

it started with 10 October. and it was to be noted down on my mini phone calendar not for my sister’s birthday but because it was the morn of SAT!! and not just any other SAT. but my SECOND SAT. *cues dramatic music* yes, the potential saving grace to the disaster of my first SAT of which i only scored 1940/2400. absolutely. disappointing. you cannot imagine the amount of fear that it was really a reflection of my mantle. that i will not be able to hide behind the excuse everyone conveniently (and thankfully) throws on me: that i probably didnt even practise the first time round. well this time i did. after the four hour long paper i had the worst headache ever, because my brain has not endured such work for nearly a year now.

after 10 October, the next task was essentially an ongoing one. i had to rush the yale early action application by 1 Nov. up till that point, my application was still squeaky clean. i had to get my testimonials, had to write my two essays, had to get everything done. it was crazy. thinking about essay topics, especially with such a wide scope of freedom, was just insane. sometimes i wished they would just give us a topic to make life easier for us. so i got through all the phases of trying to decide what i wanted to write, accepting that its impossible to try and fit everything i want to say or did in, avoiding being too gimmicky but still trying to stand out of the crowd. it was difficult. but i finally decided to screw all this accolades and special nonsense. i decided to write on what i loved. and im really happy with it. truth be told, i dun think i stand much chance of getting in. with my disgusting SATs and possibly average portfolio. but im still trying anyway, and its a shot that i’m happy with regardless of the outcome, because after writing my essays, i believe in them and they are genuine and sincere. i sent it in 19 October.

23 October marked my Basic Theory Test. and i know how everyone assumes its damn easy to pass. it was nonetheless a hurdle of october. the week after sending in my application i could start reading the manuals BZB so kindly lent me. hahaha if you know me you would be surprised that one fine day i even go my butt down to BBDC to enrol and sign up for this test. but yes, i expect that its an inevitable skill to learn someday – this driving shit. so i went. alone somemore okay! hot. and i passed the test. it was quite nervewrecking and sad because the guy beside me didnt. heh. anyone who has a private instructor to recommend please tell me! i dont know what to do next heehee.

24 October. TSA and Essay for Cambridge at hwach. it was like dejavu, but this time with so many more peoplel i recognize. i kinda suspect this test was same as last year. but i cant remember. in any case, it did seem more challenging than the last. so im currently devastated that i will not get into Cambridge this time round. damn.

27 October did not help. It was the interview for Cambridge. the first half of the interview was bad. i didnt understand what he was trying to get at or the point of his questions. and im certain its not my fault. although i would definitely remain poised and polite, i must have been rather exasperated and aggressive. debate, for better or for worse. so i hope he saw the logic behind my arguments and i hope i didnt screw it up. :( the second half was good though! so yes. not a good sign at all.

29 October. i rushed home after work just to log onto collegeboard. my heart was beating with excitement but also great anxiety. i checked my heart. i was hoping for the best. interesting. what would i do what would i do what would i do. BOOMS. i couldnt believe it! i improved from the last time!! REDEMPTION!!!! no more below 2k. i was like yay. but my mum was giving tuition i couldnt tell anyone or burst out. i think im kinda used to this. but i told my sister while she was tying her hair on the way into the room. she asked me what does that mean. 800 reading 750 maths 740 writing. i had to rush off with her to bugis for a piano class after that. we had fun there lolol.

so october ends today. halloween. i never celebrated or felt the mood of halloween before. im so damn glad october is over. looking forward to november and my two holidays now. hot.

time makes us forget

it is only after finally replying debbie’s email that i realise there is something to update about my life, quite a bit actually. it is hard to disregard the monotonous dominance of conscription life, that it seems to pervade all other aspects, right to the sensory. i realise i have not been blogging.

the past few days have been especially stressful for me. you have to realise once and for all that even as i diagnose it to be multi-causal, everything is actually just an addition to the current lifestyle, which i can only describe as an emotional abyss or blackhole. US applications are ab-so-lutely killing me. i am so bloody stressed out its impossible. i havent got started on any of my essays and the teacher/school forms are such a bother. SATs are this saturday too and i am totally not prepared at all seriously. im not confident about anything that lies ahead and it seems so so bleak. its scary.

every tuesday, i head all the way to kampong kapor family service centre in lavender to help tuition some kids from low income families. i learnt from my first visit that its more than that, we are there to mentor the children. it requires at least 6 months to 1 year of committment. i struggled with the idea because i dislike committments lah. regardless, now that i have made a decision i’ll put my best into it. hopefully i’ll be able to benefit the kid as much as i can. so far i’ve only been to two sessions. its quite far and everything i can foresee myself being real tired after work but everything. its for a good cause though, its what makes it worth it.

ive been meeting up with alot of friends lately too! that makes me happy. and for all the bad stuff, boring stuff, pointless stuff and sheer stress, it is this that keeps me going! going out just for food and great conversation, laughing and bitching and laughing. went back to school to check out the IB art exhibition. once again i lament but never start on my own. i think instead of never starting on pieces i should just start small and do sketches, perhaps it’ll overcome the inertia.

26th September was HOTT!!! F1 rocks with LG (and Black eyed peas and BEYONCCEEEE) we started queueing at 3.30pm and got a place RIGHT IN FRONT of the stage. the problem was actually keeping the position for the entire concert really. the concert started at 7.15pm but beyonce only came out at midnight. black eyed peas performed from 9 to 10 and they were so so only. everyone was pushing and screaming and making a scene, all in comparison to when beyonce came out, even though the cheering was even greater, there wasnt any violence involved because everyone accepted their positions and paid attention the the wonderful performance. i was totally awe-struck man. love love her and i could see all her facial expressions. HOTTTT. my first concert ever and one of the ABSOLUTE BESSSTT! thanks for the present everyone!! she is just such a great performer and singer. loves.

i think after sending michelle off this tuesday i will probably have sent off all my friends as they embark on their new lives and academic pursuits overseas. its a bittersweet feeling because you are still stuck here doing godknowswhat. but i’m really happy and excited for all of them and i wish that they are truly enjoying their time over there! it sucks because i cannot just SMS them anytime i want, especially when i now have UNLIMITED SMS. sian. but its quite sad that LIFE GOES ON you know? like for both you and them. as if neither party was that essential to begin with no? i know its wrong to demand that, and no one should or can ever be lah. but its just sad. that someone who once shared life with you is now experiencing it without you (and vice versa), and its OK, or at least nothing majorly not OK. as time goes by its just gonna get worse as we all get used to the distance.  its nothing much, but just sad.

oh i finally got my lazy ass to BBDC and signed up for my BTT! im taking it on the 23rd this month. i hope i pass!

remembering

its with great delight that i recommend my two most recent reads: “The Remains Of The Day” by Kazuo Ishiguro and “The Clothes On Their Backs” by Linda Grant. they are strange reads, comic and touching at the same time. they speak of the human condition. they made me think, they made me feel.

i look forward with great anticipation for the new books i bought and have not read: “That Thing Around Your Neck” by Chimamanda Ngozi Adichie, “Their Eyes Were Watching God” by Zora Neale Hurston, “Lord of The Flies” by William Golding and “Vernon God Little” by DBC Pierre. And the few more which will come, soon.

today i went to support my debate juniors at a competition. juniors i didnt know at first. but by the end, im really glad i gave them my saturday. today, i could remember, and feel the feelings of a time that has passed, and as cheam and i realise, will never return. but perhaps it doesnt have to stop there. today i felt the joy of debating once again, i heard the passion of an argument, i saw the energy that produced. and its true that even though i have been a failure senior, i felt extremely proud at the marked improvement seen in the boys at the finals. because the atmosphere releases something inside you, that backs you up, and you throw your voice forward and somehow, you simply believe. does that make truth? is it selfishness, that we steal on such moments to relive our own memories, of past victories, and losses. i snap back in time with a sigh. today i saw triumph in defeat, and i miss that sense of pride, the feeling that nothing else mattered, just you, your team, and passion, whatever that means. but maybe that was not what they felt today, nor was it the case during those years, just me now reminiscing. was i ever that brave?

“But who can really remember pain? Its impossible, you don’t remember it, you only fear it returning.” quoted from Grant’s novel. Interesting. Memory and feelings, two motifs of novels i love, that suggests an inclination of mine. i realise i was wrong. i dont have a good memory. in fact, it seems of late that i forget things quite instantly. this greatly alarms me, am i dying lol. there are memories though, but how can i know if they are not just works of my imagination.

what was it that i wanted to say. a feeling i try to clothe in words. i cannot remember. does it therefore not matter. perhaps. but thats the shit with blogs. i do not have enough to leave here everyday, but too much to say on other days, and i forget, then nothing at all. so nothing then. maybe thats it with inspiration. i should constantly leave the acrylic at hand.

nineteen

i think the benefit of keeping a blog (and for such a long period of time) is that we can look back, since we can’t file memories in alphabetical order or chronologically. and as much as i would like to believe, im not in hogwarts where they come in long mucus like strands heehee. so i looked a year back, to try and remember how i was feeling.

coincidentally, i dedicated the August 11 post to birthday thanks as well. but im 19 this year, which is kinda freaky now that i put it in words. how can this shit be 19 years old! im ancient. well anyway, i really like to thank everyone who has wished me and all the cakes and outings i had. once again, im truly truly blessed with so many good people around me that care and love me so graciously and generously. i dont even know if i deserve it. sometimes i just feel so bad about it, like i wonder if i’ll be able to do the same for the people i care about. thanks for spoiling me, that i can spend every birthday eventfully filled with joy and laughter.

this year comes so different because from 11 Aug 2008 to 11 August 2009, we are all in so drastically different envrionments, leading different lives, heading different directions, dragged by different baggages. this birthday was additionally meaningful because it brought us back from all these different places, back to times when we shared part of ourselves, and in turn gained so much more. but better. we do not just look back, back into our logs of old entries and memories in the aim of reliving the good old times (well thats dandy), but because we do that, and then go on to create new memories, new good times.

one year back, or so it is written, i was dying over IOC too. this year, i walked into a tank and hit my head because the barrel was too low. ho gawd, look where life has taken me.

before i sleep

i am looking to my left. i am stoning. i realise my consciousness is being invaded by a single dominant colour. i leave my trance and focus my vision as the objects in my field of vision start to take proper shape. yes, all the clothes hanging on laundry seem to be a curious shade of pinkish purple. in the split second of amusement i must have wondered what the hell, since when did we ever purchase this colour, and in such numbers. i notice a curious hwachong logo on the tee closest to my line of sight. the memory of its original colour creeps into my brain. it must have been seconds later when i finally got it and screamed OH MY GAAWWDD!! mummy rushes in and offers the explanation. the clothes have been stained from washing. unfortunate. she offers an interesting fact that if i were to go to the other balcony outside, i would be able to see a purple towel that was previously blue. i eventually will. but for now, i am looking through all the pink garments to make sure none of them belongs to me.

early this morning, it is still dark because the sun is not up yet. i open gates, but im not paid for it. i am on duty. a woman has just entered on her motorcycle. perhaps due to habit, she knows something we dont. she has to take her temperature before she enters further into the compound. we are tired. she knows what she is doing as she snatches a file from the table and finds a pen to fill in the details of a form. it is still dark. she is talking to herself but i manage to pick out a demand for light. i whip out my handphone and switch on the flashlight. it must have come unexpected because the woman pauses and stares directly at me, the bringer of light. she says something, and i realise it is not words of gratitude but a scolding. again, i cannot pick out what she is saying: “your officer”, “scold you”, “not my problem”. it only felt strange later. what in the world?!

i wonder why. it is just when a teacher or officer is scolding a group of people but only settles eye contact with a specific someone. the stranger fact is that it is often towards the only one that is, for better or for worse, willing to be subjected under such unfairness. (yet, i do not know. you can look away, but somehow you always betray yourself and look back.) ”ah yes, that timid one? him! the innocence that i am confident of raping with my righteous anger. because you are the only one listening…” perhaps in the talk of expression, we must also talk of specificities. i wonder if i had not offered the light, a controlled beam, would she have mustered enough courage to blurt out what she thought? but to whom but the silent darkness. could she? or would it have remained as incomprehensible muttering, the way she must have kept many other thoughts. (or the way others have made her keep them.) do we scream only when we know we can be heard.

i am breaking through the grey of the falling rain under my grey umbrella in my grey shirt and long pants and not-so-white shoes. i am beginning to adore this shade. under shelter, i marvel at how i manage to keep my brolly without the fear of the mechanism clipping my finger. over the years, my skin must have grown thick.