langkawi

” When God had made The Man, he made him out of stuff that sung all the time and glittered all over. Then after that some angels got jealous and chopped him into millions of pieces, but still he glittered and hummed. So they beat him down to nothing but sparks but each little spark had a shine and a song. So they covered each one over with mud. And the lonesomeness in the sparks make them hunt for one another, but the mud is deaf and dumb. Like all the other tumbling mud-balls, Janie had tried to show her shine”  ~ p120 Their Eyes Were watching God by Zora Neale Hurston

Probably unheard to many, Zora Neale Hurston is in fact regarded as the literary foremother of many established black women novelists like Maya Angelou, Alice Walker and Zadie Smith. This novel should therefore not be read among the ranks of novels as we know them now. I like how Smith’s introduction describes the novel to hold “widsom lightly worn”. Very simple, the art of story telling is seen here, sprinkled with a dash of humour. You’ll have to look out to catch the quotes that Smith is probably referring to. The quote i’m sharing speaks of our innate desires, our ideals and dreams and the social nature of Man all packed lyrical in a context similarly universal, of existence and religion, the very beginning. why are we the way we are.

Just came back from Langkawi yesterday. It is truly great to be able to have a short getaway, especially after nearly a year of army. And nothing beats some good family time. So I had a great time during this holiday. It was wayy too short though. We hardly spent time at the beach though, but in the time that we did, the weather was perfect. It was truly a blessing because it would only rain everytime we were already indoors. The food, mainly seafood, was totally awesome and very affordable. We ate like tubs of rice and loads of dishes with hot chinese tea for every meal! Shopping was totally awesome too because not only is the feeling of dividing by 2.4 satisfying, the further discounts in the stores were just crazy! In total my family bought 7 pairs of shoes haha! but to be fair, my family never buys anything except on holidays, which is considerably rare to say the least. with the exception of my elder sister though heehee.

i saw my ideal pair of shoes and loafers in this department stall of Polo brand!!! like seriouslyyy omggg. after spending a million months searching for them in singapore to find them in the same spot and brand. so convenient! but the shoes were RM298 and the loafers RM188. doink. totally expensive even in singaporean terms. when i mentioned the 7 pair of shoes, do not be mistaken. it includes a pair of sneakers less than 20 dollars and slippers around 10! xiaohui bought a bagpack for only 10 plus. of course our very last buy was when i convinced my mum to buy a wonderful pair of rubber platforms with leather straps, those suitable for her age. as if that was not sexy enough, it was only RM30! Though after a total miscommunication, we realised that daddy paid RM130 for it and all three pairs of eyes (mine, mummy and xiaohui) had missed out the digit 1 in the price tag. I have never seen mummy whine and tsk in such a way ever hahaha. the three of us had a great time teasing her about wasting money all the way back to the hotel.

back to my story. i did in fact eventually purchase a pair of loafers, but not my dream pair. I got one out from the discount pile that had a 40% cut. o-m-g. see what i told you about their crazy cuts. there were even some on 70% discounts! anyway, the one i got is decent i guess, good leather of the same brand. 47 dollars is rather reasonable i would say. i had to give up on the wonderful pair of shoes. SOBS. it came in five totally sexy colours which i all love. i would not have been able to choose heehee.

it is such a booboo to return back to army after a holiday. i can’t wait for the upcoming trip to siem reap. hot.

october of stress

it was immense. the trepidation of an entire month ahead of you. but not just any other month. a month that will possibly change the entire course of my future heehee. well okay thats just being overly dramatic. but suffice to say, the october that just passed has been tiring and stressful shit.

it started with 10 October. and it was to be noted down on my mini phone calendar not for my sister’s birthday but because it was the morn of SAT!! and not just any other SAT. but my SECOND SAT. *cues dramatic music* yes, the potential saving grace to the disaster of my first SAT of which i only scored 1940/2400. absolutely. disappointing. you cannot imagine the amount of fear that it was really a reflection of my mantle. that i will not be able to hide behind the excuse everyone conveniently (and thankfully) throws on me: that i probably didnt even practise the first time round. well this time i did. after the four hour long paper i had the worst headache ever, because my brain has not endured such work for nearly a year now.

after 10 October, the next task was essentially an ongoing one. i had to rush the yale early action application by 1 Nov. up till that point, my application was still squeaky clean. i had to get my testimonials, had to write my two essays, had to get everything done. it was crazy. thinking about essay topics, especially with such a wide scope of freedom, was just insane. sometimes i wished they would just give us a topic to make life easier for us. so i got through all the phases of trying to decide what i wanted to write, accepting that its impossible to try and fit everything i want to say or did in, avoiding being too gimmicky but still trying to stand out of the crowd. it was difficult. but i finally decided to screw all this accolades and special nonsense. i decided to write on what i loved. and im really happy with it. truth be told, i dun think i stand much chance of getting in. with my disgusting SATs and possibly average portfolio. but im still trying anyway, and its a shot that i’m happy with regardless of the outcome, because after writing my essays, i believe in them and they are genuine and sincere. i sent it in 19 October.

23 October marked my Basic Theory Test. and i know how everyone assumes its damn easy to pass. it was nonetheless a hurdle of october. the week after sending in my application i could start reading the manuals BZB so kindly lent me. hahaha if you know me you would be surprised that one fine day i even go my butt down to BBDC to enrol and sign up for this test. but yes, i expect that its an inevitable skill to learn someday – this driving shit. so i went. alone somemore okay! hot. and i passed the test. it was quite nervewrecking and sad because the guy beside me didnt. heh. anyone who has a private instructor to recommend please tell me! i dont know what to do next heehee.

24 October. TSA and Essay for Cambridge at hwach. it was like dejavu, but this time with so many more peoplel i recognize. i kinda suspect this test was same as last year. but i cant remember. in any case, it did seem more challenging than the last. so im currently devastated that i will not get into Cambridge this time round. damn.

27 October did not help. It was the interview for Cambridge. the first half of the interview was bad. i didnt understand what he was trying to get at or the point of his questions. and im certain its not my fault. although i would definitely remain poised and polite, i must have been rather exasperated and aggressive. debate, for better or for worse. so i hope he saw the logic behind my arguments and i hope i didnt screw it up. :( the second half was good though! so yes. not a good sign at all.

29 October. i rushed home after work just to log onto collegeboard. my heart was beating with excitement but also great anxiety. i checked my heart. i was hoping for the best. interesting. what would i do what would i do what would i do. BOOMS. i couldnt believe it! i improved from the last time!! REDEMPTION!!!! no more below 2k. i was like yay. but my mum was giving tuition i couldnt tell anyone or burst out. i think im kinda used to this. but i told my sister while she was tying her hair on the way into the room. she asked me what does that mean. 800 reading 750 maths 740 writing. i had to rush off with her to bugis for a piano class after that. we had fun there lolol.

so october ends today. halloween. i never celebrated or felt the mood of halloween before. im so damn glad october is over. looking forward to november and my two holidays now. hot.

time makes us forget

it is only after finally replying debbie’s email that i realise there is something to update about my life, quite a bit actually. it is hard to disregard the monotonous dominance of conscription life, that it seems to pervade all other aspects, right to the sensory. i realise i have not been blogging.

the past few days have been especially stressful for me. you have to realise once and for all that even as i diagnose it to be multi-causal, everything is actually just an addition to the current lifestyle, which i can only describe as an emotional abyss or blackhole. US applications are ab-so-lutely killing me. i am so bloody stressed out its impossible. i havent got started on any of my essays and the teacher/school forms are such a bother. SATs are this saturday too and i am totally not prepared at all seriously. im not confident about anything that lies ahead and it seems so so bleak. its scary.

every tuesday, i head all the way to kampong kapor family service centre in lavender to help tuition some kids from low income families. i learnt from my first visit that its more than that, we are there to mentor the children. it requires at least 6 months to 1 year of committment. i struggled with the idea because i dislike committments lah. regardless, now that i have made a decision i’ll put my best into it. hopefully i’ll be able to benefit the kid as much as i can. so far i’ve only been to two sessions. its quite far and everything i can foresee myself being real tired after work but everything. its for a good cause though, its what makes it worth it.

ive been meeting up with alot of friends lately too! that makes me happy. and for all the bad stuff, boring stuff, pointless stuff and sheer stress, it is this that keeps me going! going out just for food and great conversation, laughing and bitching and laughing. went back to school to check out the IB art exhibition. once again i lament but never start on my own. i think instead of never starting on pieces i should just start small and do sketches, perhaps it’ll overcome the inertia.

26th September was HOTT!!! F1 rocks with LG (and Black eyed peas and BEYONCCEEEE) we started queueing at 3.30pm and got a place RIGHT IN FRONT of the stage. the problem was actually keeping the position for the entire concert really. the concert started at 7.15pm but beyonce only came out at midnight. black eyed peas performed from 9 to 10 and they were so so only. everyone was pushing and screaming and making a scene, all in comparison to when beyonce came out, even though the cheering was even greater, there wasnt any violence involved because everyone accepted their positions and paid attention the the wonderful performance. i was totally awe-struck man. love love her and i could see all her facial expressions. HOTTTT. my first concert ever and one of the ABSOLUTE BESSSTT! thanks for the present everyone!! she is just such a great performer and singer. loves.

i think after sending michelle off this tuesday i will probably have sent off all my friends as they embark on their new lives and academic pursuits overseas. its a bittersweet feeling because you are still stuck here doing godknowswhat. but i’m really happy and excited for all of them and i wish that they are truly enjoying their time over there! it sucks because i cannot just SMS them anytime i want, especially when i now have UNLIMITED SMS. sian. but its quite sad that LIFE GOES ON you know? like for both you and them. as if neither party was that essential to begin with no? i know its wrong to demand that, and no one should or can ever be lah. but its just sad. that someone who once shared life with you is now experiencing it without you (and vice versa), and its OK, or at least nothing majorly not OK. as time goes by its just gonna get worse as we all get used to the distance.  its nothing much, but just sad.

oh i finally got my lazy ass to BBDC and signed up for my BTT! im taking it on the 23rd this month. i hope i pass!

remembering

its with great delight that i recommend my two most recent reads: “The Remains Of The Day” by Kazuo Ishiguro and “The Clothes On Their Backs” by Linda Grant. they are strange reads, comic and touching at the same time. they speak of the human condition. they made me think, they made me feel.

i look forward with great anticipation for the new books i bought and have not read: “That Thing Around Your Neck” by Chimamanda Ngozi Adichie, “Their Eyes Were Watching God” by Zora Neale Hurston, “Lord of The Flies” by William Golding and “Vernon God Little” by DBC Pierre. And the few more which will come, soon.

today i went to support my debate juniors at a competition. juniors i didnt know at first. but by the end, im really glad i gave them my saturday. today, i could remember, and feel the feelings of a time that has passed, and as cheam and i realise, will never return. but perhaps it doesnt have to stop there. today i felt the joy of debating once again, i heard the passion of an argument, i saw the energy that produced. and its true that even though i have been a failure senior, i felt extremely proud at the marked improvement seen in the boys at the finals. because the atmosphere releases something inside you, that backs you up, and you throw your voice forward and somehow, you simply believe. does that make truth? is it selfishness, that we steal on such moments to relive our own memories, of past victories, and losses. i snap back in time with a sigh. today i saw triumph in defeat, and i miss that sense of pride, the feeling that nothing else mattered, just you, your team, and passion, whatever that means. but maybe that was not what they felt today, nor was it the case during those years, just me now reminiscing. was i ever that brave?

“But who can really remember pain? Its impossible, you don’t remember it, you only fear it returning.” quoted from Grant’s novel. Interesting. Memory and feelings, two motifs of novels i love, that suggests an inclination of mine. i realise i was wrong. i dont have a good memory. in fact, it seems of late that i forget things quite instantly. this greatly alarms me, am i dying lol. there are memories though, but how can i know if they are not just works of my imagination.

what was it that i wanted to say. a feeling i try to clothe in words. i cannot remember. does it therefore not matter. perhaps. but thats the shit with blogs. i do not have enough to leave here everyday, but too much to say on other days, and i forget, then nothing at all. so nothing then. maybe thats it with inspiration. i should constantly leave the acrylic at hand.

nineteen

i think the benefit of keeping a blog (and for such a long period of time) is that we can look back, since we can’t file memories in alphabetical order or chronologically. and as much as i would like to believe, im not in hogwarts where they come in long mucus like strands heehee. so i looked a year back, to try and remember how i was feeling.

coincidentally, i dedicated the August 11 post to birthday thanks as well. but im 19 this year, which is kinda freaky now that i put it in words. how can this shit be 19 years old! im ancient. well anyway, i really like to thank everyone who has wished me and all the cakes and outings i had. once again, im truly truly blessed with so many good people around me that care and love me so graciously and generously. i dont even know if i deserve it. sometimes i just feel so bad about it, like i wonder if i’ll be able to do the same for the people i care about. thanks for spoiling me, that i can spend every birthday eventfully filled with joy and laughter.

this year comes so different because from 11 Aug 2008 to 11 August 2009, we are all in so drastically different envrionments, leading different lives, heading different directions, dragged by different baggages. this birthday was additionally meaningful because it brought us back from all these different places, back to times when we shared part of ourselves, and in turn gained so much more. but better. we do not just look back, back into our logs of old entries and memories in the aim of reliving the good old times (well thats dandy), but because we do that, and then go on to create new memories, new good times.

one year back, or so it is written, i was dying over IOC too. this year, i walked into a tank and hit my head because the barrel was too low. ho gawd, look where life has taken me.

before i sleep

i am looking to my left. i am stoning. i realise my consciousness is being invaded by a single dominant colour. i leave my trance and focus my vision as the objects in my field of vision start to take proper shape. yes, all the clothes hanging on laundry seem to be a curious shade of pinkish purple. in the split second of amusement i must have wondered what the hell, since when did we ever purchase this colour, and in such numbers. i notice a curious hwachong logo on the tee closest to my line of sight. the memory of its original colour creeps into my brain. it must have been seconds later when i finally got it and screamed OH MY GAAWWDD!! mummy rushes in and offers the explanation. the clothes have been stained from washing. unfortunate. she offers an interesting fact that if i were to go to the other balcony outside, i would be able to see a purple towel that was previously blue. i eventually will. but for now, i am looking through all the pink garments to make sure none of them belongs to me.

early this morning, it is still dark because the sun is not up yet. i open gates, but im not paid for it. i am on duty. a woman has just entered on her motorcycle. perhaps due to habit, she knows something we dont. she has to take her temperature before she enters further into the compound. we are tired. she knows what she is doing as she snatches a file from the table and finds a pen to fill in the details of a form. it is still dark. she is talking to herself but i manage to pick out a demand for light. i whip out my handphone and switch on the flashlight. it must have come unexpected because the woman pauses and stares directly at me, the bringer of light. she says something, and i realise it is not words of gratitude but a scolding. again, i cannot pick out what she is saying: “your officer”, “scold you”, “not my problem”. it only felt strange later. what in the world?!

i wonder why. it is just when a teacher or officer is scolding a group of people but only settles eye contact with a specific someone. the stranger fact is that it is often towards the only one that is, for better or for worse, willing to be subjected under such unfairness. (yet, i do not know. you can look away, but somehow you always betray yourself and look back.) ”ah yes, that timid one? him! the innocence that i am confident of raping with my righteous anger. because you are the only one listening…” perhaps in the talk of expression, we must also talk of specificities. i wonder if i had not offered the light, a controlled beam, would she have mustered enough courage to blurt out what she thought? but to whom but the silent darkness. could she? or would it have remained as incomprehensible muttering, the way she must have kept many other thoughts. (or the way others have made her keep them.) do we scream only when we know we can be heard.

i am breaking through the grey of the falling rain under my grey umbrella in my grey shirt and long pants and not-so-white shoes. i am beginning to adore this shade. under shelter, i marvel at how i manage to keep my brolly without the fear of the mechanism clipping my finger. over the years, my skin must have grown thick.

jai ho!

wow it has been more than a month since my last post. procrastination is an amazing thing. i finally seem to have a saturday to myself to waste away. its funny how everyday is technically a wastage of time as well, but wasting time as a choice and for myself, thats different. but after a month, i still have nothing to say, because life is like how mariah carey puts it, it’s like that y’all. heehaw.

a few days back on the bus on the way to camp, i sat beside this guy. my ear detected a familiar tune. Jai ho, oh oh oh oh. And in these moments, yes, what is good is in fact what is familiar. i secretly complimented the guy’s music playing device to be mine and therefore would churn out good songs for the rest of the ride. in-freaking-deed, because i heard the similar tune of bells and drums once again. i thought thats great, maybe its just the AR Rahman version. catch me catch me catch me, come one catch me if you want me. it was a nightmare, the song was on loop. it played the third time, the fourth time, with absolutely no breathing space in between. you are the reason that i breathe, you are the reason that i still believe. i swear it was probably 10 times or more by the time i reached camp and i groggily made my way down the bus. amazing man, that loser.

what day is it

three weeks of home alone, and im finally on the last day. ironically, i will be leaving this already empty house to further emptiness and seek refuge at cheam’s for the next week. so the rest of the family will come through the doors to no dying boy at a corner, choking from dust and hungry. they will hopefully see that i did not burn the house down, and in fact managed to upkeep it in pretty decent standards, all things considered hoho. but to no celebration either, so reunion will be a week late to make it a month since i last saw them. all this for a good cause, as i am sure my life is worth something. i will not be hang-ed, as suggested by the MO. haha, i still can’t believe he said that, it was almost strange in the consultation room, the air was still for a second not from fear, but just intense absurdity. i suppose it was good-willed.

the three weeks have been such an awesome awesome experience. hahaha, its quite sad that i only do all these stuff when im all alone and have no choice but to do so. domestication has been strangely satisfying. but i think its only made easier because its for one. its easier to be selfish hahaha. it has been so much easier planning stuff as well. most importantly, i did so many things for the first time and learnt so many things. concession for travelling, grocery shopping, cooking, cleaning. for example, you cant find minced beef anywhere!!! had to go tenmileshengshiong, bppfairprice then finally railmallcoldstorage to get it. things could have been different. i could have been lazy, less adventurous, more sleepy and therefore more sickly. but i think it was a good opportunity and im glad i took it.

thanks everyone for your company and concern. i am safe and happy.

i hope the big metal bird brings them safely back home. i hope the bird doesn’t have H1N1.

round two

ding ding!

1. cooked spaghetti asian style with mushroom omelette and oyster sauce chye sim for dinner. i’m getting better at the omelette and have tons of eggs left in the fridge (sian). vegetables were undercooked, and i hope i cleaned them right.
2. i bought concession for bus. my first time! it cost 59 bucks which is rather pricey and i dont know if it is exactly a bargain for me. so im just going to try it out this month.
3. first time at PC fair 2009 and i actually bought something!! and whats worse is that is a 3 digit sum (o-m-g)!! lol it was exactly 100 bucks for a 320GB imation portable hard drive. i seriously hope its a good bargain cos i know nuts about all these techno stuff.
4. im losing my voice! think im falling sick. interesting, i never totally lost my voice before.
5. i was thinking a reason why im falling sick is because the house is getting mighty dusty so i vacuumed the entire shit house. i think i did lah. no need to add water to the cleaner one right? i think that was our old machine. urgh sweat so much. (note: i think its damn scary to switch on the cleaner, the noise it makes is freaky. maybe because im a vacuum baby LOL.)

dinner for one

pushing the cart around NTUC today, alone, was possibly one of the most awkward moments of my life. being among the other uncle sand aunties who knew what they wanted, and where they could get them. i couldnt be the other extreme of little children hanging off their parents and yelling what they want either. so it took me more than it would a regular to eventually obtain the items i had in mind. i didn’t know anything about quality, or like the type of meat appropriate for what dish, so i used my acute auntie abilities to go for the cheapest goods. oh with the exception of white button mushrooms, which cost so much more than canned un-white ones. but i always wanted to buy them cos they look so cute and i love mushrooms!

its kinda cool cos my overall purchase of eggs, milk, pork, chye sim and mushrooms amounted to the exact amount i had left in my wallet, $12.70. i had to carry everything all the way back home on foot, along with my boots and heavy bag since i went to shop directly after army. anyway, for those who don’t know yet, i have been home alone, and will be for a long while since my entire family went to US to see my sis graduate. one day it struck me to do something fun and exciting and start cooking, since i have never done so before. so i’ve been googling abit these days. loser things like ‘how to use a ricecooker’, ‘how much oil must we put’, ‘how to clean mushrooms’, ‘how to marinate pork’. you get the idea, basically every single bloody thing. because im absolutely clueless.

i am relieved after finding out that the rice cooker can actually automatically switch off after the rice is cooked. thats one less thing to worry about lol. recipes online are so stupid, they use all like western shits and so many things i never heard of or will never have in a regular kitchen. whatever. but while looking for all the soya sauce what shit and everything in the kitchen, i found honey! so i decided on making honey glazed pork fillet. after adding the honey i was like err what else to put, i nearly wanted to add soya sauce anyway. but i added some salt and flour, just because i remember that my mum does that. even though im not very sure if its appopriate for honey sauce too heh.

my second dish was meant to be mushroom omelette. it became mushroom scrambled eggs thoh, because the videos LIE. its so difficult to make the omelette shape and flip it lorr. urgh. teeheehee, i am so smart, i added milk to my eggs leh. i dont know where i got that idea from, but i remember its suppose to be good, so yea. not that i tasted any difference.

points to note for the future:

1. do not add too much water for the rice, it becomes too sticky and mashed up, even though its quite nice that way too. further exploration needed.
2. too much salt!! whatever those freaking chefs are doing in those shows, whatever. how can dash of salt here dash of salt there and sprinkle as if damn easy like that. i dont know what organ it affects lah, but im certain my innards shrivelled from the salt content in those eggs.
3. mushrooms dont just become smaller when cooked, they become SMALLER, so use more of those buttons. sidenote: plucking the stalks of button mushrooms are super cute, it comes out with a pop. i used an extra mushroom just for kicks. luckily i did.

on a happier note, i really liked the honey pork! it was surprisingly good. yay, looking forward to more cooking after this, thinking of fried macaroni and spaghetti soon dang, but preparation and cleaning up against actual eating is like 2:1. and for all that knows me, it is just unintelligent to be spending more effort cooking as compared to enjoying the food. which is why, i hate barbecues!

oh yes, i made my first batch of laundry ever yesterday too!! totally worked that washing machine hoho.

to all who actually still come here, drop me an SMS to hang out! it’ll be cool to have company. i know i havent bee updating much lately. will try to. too lazy. for example, since dust comes in through windows and i’ll have to tidy up when there is dust, i made an ingenious discovery to just not open the windows! living the life of a singlehood.